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Former Patriots lineman crashed car to avoid Belichick’s wrath


Rich Ohrnberger

Rich Ohrnberger
Photo: AP

In the barren wasteland that’s sports activities in August, there are solely baseball and speculative NFL tales to write about. And since we just wrote about Aaron Judge and he didn’t hit a dinger Friday evening, we’ve received soccer chatter for you. Today’s anecdote comes from former New England Patriot offensive lineman Rich Ohrnberger, who was so involved about having a sound excuse for oversleeping for observe that he legitimized his car accident cowl by truly getting in an accident.

Due to an irrational concern of Bill Belichick, he opted to… properly I’ll let him inform it as he did on his radio show.

“I wake up, my phone died overnight, and I realize I’m waking up to the sound of birds chirping and not my alarm going off. I am frantic. I don’t even bother looking at the clock, I know I’m late.”

“I’m five minutes to being officially late, and I’ve got a 15-minute drive ahead of me. I’m gonna be 10 minutes late for this day. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach like, ‘I’m gonna be cut. [Belichick’s] not gonna have me on this football team come tomorrow. What do I do?’”

“I see a church van in front of me that’s all dinged up and it’s got the black smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe and I’m like, ‘I’m gonna hit this car. It’s better to pay the insurance than embarrass myself by being late for a Patriots team meeting.”

As somebody who has by chance skidded into an awning whereas operating late to take his little sister to faculty, I want I had the assets to deliberately play bumper automobiles to avoid getting dressed down by my mother not to mention probably the most maniacal coach within the historical past of the NFL. Belichick critically should gush clout in Foxborough. His gamers should not solely keen to run by way of a wall for him; they’ll actually veer into site visitors to stay on his roster.

Also, for the folks asking concerning the premiums: Would you reasonably take successful in your car insurance coverage invoice — or pay for it out of pocket along with your ample NFL wage — than lose the respect of sports activities’ most demanding father? If I used to be the motive force of the St. Stephen’s shuttle, it could be just a little jarring to have somebody snapping photographs of his mistake earlier than I even exit the automobile, however they imagine in Good Samaritans and shit like that.

Honestly, careening into a junker church van wasn’t a bad idea — even if it sounds like a recipe for a lawsuit. Who among us hasn’t made regrettable decisions trying to earn/keep a dream job? I’d cut off a nipple for the right gig. (Don’t fret, my man boobs remain intact. Not lopping off flesh for an industry that’s going to be 95 percent athletes in five years.)

Rich Ohrnberger, if I had stars or some kind of fake accolade to hand out, you’d get one.

And now what I almost wrote about…

Occasionally, ESPN breaks the fourth wall. If you don’t recite lines from the 2004 cult classic “Dodgeball,” you probably don’t get half of my jokes — in addition to having no idea what ESPN the Ocho day is. The Mothership ran a couple of of the seldom-seen athletic competitions on ESPN 2 on Friday in honor of one in all Ben Stiller’s seminal works.

Along with wiffleball, tag, air hockey, and one thing known as quadball, there was the Slippery Stairs world championship.

The first ever Slippery Stairs world championship | ESPN 8: The Ocho

Even if it looks as if a knockoff of Wipeout, which was a knockoff of a Japanese recreation present, I can respect the hustle. It’s no less than one thing to snigger at whereas consuming wings, consuming beer, and making an attempt to formulate a narrative in your break.

I imply, something that offers me a chance to quote Cotton McKnight, White Goodman, and Co. is okay by me.

“Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? Probably not. No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

No, not the quote you have been considering of. Sorry, since I used to be so overt I believed I’d go along with a B-side.

“Thankyou deadspin.com For Providing This News.”


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